dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
