im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
