I hate your face
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
