my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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