my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
