I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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