just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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