This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
