u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize