he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
