When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
