I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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