Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
