I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
