you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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