I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
