Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
