I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
