my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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