Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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