is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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