If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
