You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
