Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
