I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
