im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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