You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
