I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
