My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
