The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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