woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
