made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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