Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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