Kareoke will never be a sober sport
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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