it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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