When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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