Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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