Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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