I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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