you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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