she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize