Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just gargled with NyQuil
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
