Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
