It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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