I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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