Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i think i have two assholes
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
