My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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