thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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