Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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