you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
