and you said cock pushups were impossible
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
