How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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