Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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