I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize