Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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