I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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