i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
