Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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