Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
