Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize