i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
