so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
