I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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