WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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