Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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